watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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