just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i was born a porn star she said
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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