A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
