The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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