i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
