rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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