It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
