We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
