I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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