What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
