im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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