My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize