Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
