you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
