I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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