All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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