I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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