After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
