6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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