I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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