do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
