God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
