I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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