This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
