Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My vagina is officially offended.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
