Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
