that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
