Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dicks are not precious.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
