so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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