I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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