I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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