The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
