At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
