it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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