I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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