Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
