I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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