WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Be still, my beating vagina.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
