perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
