i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
