Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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