Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
don't judge my taste in strippers
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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