I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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