I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize