There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
