Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
