I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
