She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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