I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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