She's JV to your varsity
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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