Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
