I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
