I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
