Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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