he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
