if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize