At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
