I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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