This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
